About the Author

Why should you vote for me for President of the United States?

That's a good question.

That's a very good question, and I thank you for it.

I really do.

Let me just say . . . let me just say.

That the people of this country are looking for change.

And I don't mean scary change, or difficult change, or change that would even trivially upset anyone currently powerful or rich or important.

Don’t be afraid!

I mean change in the sense of a vague feeling of uplift, a sense that you've done your bit and you probably don't have to pay attention to the newspapers for another few years. By change I mean: why not let your attention span shift? You know you want to.

I mean hope, and by hope I mean bullshit.

Ladies and gentlemen, you have already tried electing actors to tell you comforting lies -- and why not? Makes sense. Worth a try. But actors, ladies and gentlemen, are sometimes known to go outside. They are sometimes invited to parties. They must communicate with other human beings, if only to be told what their lines are and where to stand. Their disengagement from depressing old reality can never be perfect, never quite 100%.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a professional fantasist. I basically never go outside. I am disengaged from reality in every way. I spend much of my time in what you might with justice call a delusional fugue state.

How can tax revenues go up when taxes go down? How are we going to deal with global warming without reducing our consumption of fossil fuels one iota? The answer of course is: magic! Ladies and gentlemen, I am a professional at making up bullshit about magic.

If elected as President I pledge to slightly reshuffle the range of cronies, suck-ups, rent-seekers and vampires who are permitted to gorge on the public fisc. For instance Halliburton will probably find a few of its contracts summarily cancelled; on the other hand my brother-in-law may be surprised to find himself put in charge of reconstruction efforts in Fallujah. Will he be good at it? Maybe. The important thing is, I promise to make sure you never have to find out the potentially upsetting truth either way.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am not in fact a citizen of the United States, and I am therefore completely ineligible to run for President. This is my guarantee to you that I am untainted by personal ambition, and that my campaign is untainted by connection to reality.

HERE is my resume for your consideration.

HERE and HERE are some disgracefully unfair interviews conducted by members of the Mainstream Liberal Media.

Felix Gilman in '08!

Thank you for your time.