So I have no real way of knowing how many people might be reading this, because my site statistics thing doesn’t appear to rigorously distinguish between robots and people.  But the number is apparently: more than none.

It is probable that some of those of you who are not robots have read my book.  (The robots may have crawled across various excerpts online; but I maintain that they do not comprehend, and so cannot be said truly to be reading).

Probably most of you who have read the book quite liked it.  I don’t mean to sound egotistical here; it’s just that if you didn’t like it, and you only came here to tell me how much I fucking suck, you probably would have done it by now.  Don’t you think?  It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing where you’d need to bide your time, wait for the perfect moment.  The perfect moment to tell someone they fucking suck is always: right now, while I’m still angry. That’s what I think.

Some of you have said nice things about the book somewhere on the Internet; and thank you.  Some of you have not.  Would you?  Please?  An Amazon review, or a mention on your blog or forum you frequent or Goodreads or Librarything or Shelfari or etc?  That sort of thing really makes a big difference.

If by the end of next week fewer than four people have posted something, or if the things that are posted are insufficiently nice, I will shoot this kitten:

On the other hand, if more than ten people post something very nice I will shoot this kitten:

Don’t worry!  This kitten is the first kitten’s evil twin.  He’s horrible.  Actually, he’s the reincarnation of Hitler.  We’ll all be a lot better off without him.

I’ve never seen this before: H. P. Lovecraft’s Commonplace Book. In his own words:

 This book consists of ideas, images, & quotations hastily jotted down for possible future use in weird fiction. Very few are actually developed plots—for the most part they are merely suggestions or random impressions designed to set the memory or imagination working. Their sources are various—dreams, things read, casual incidents, idle conceptions, & so on.

Two! Hundred! And Twenty-One! Unused story ideas!

Some are weirdly evocative, e.g. # 155, “Steepled town seen from afar at sunset—does not light up at night. Sail has been seen putting out to sea. [Fungi]” 

Others are generic, e.g. # 165,  ”Terrible trip to an ancient and forgotten tomb.”  A few probably weren’t generic at the time, but would be now, e.g. # 181, “Inhabitant of another world—face masked, perhaps with human skin or surgically alter’d human shape, but body alien beneath robes. Having reached earth, tries to mix with mankind. Hideous revelation.” (And # 221 — “Insects or other entities from space attack and penetrate a man’s head and cause him to remember alien and exotic things—possible displacement of personality.” – nicely anticipates M. John Harrison’s career.)

Some play on twentieth-century scientific anxieties, e.g. # 152, “Autonomic nervous system and subconscious mind do not reside in the head. Have mad physician decapitate a man but keep him alive and subconsciously controlled. Avoid copying tale by W. C. Morrow,” and # 36, “Disintegration of all matter to electrons and finally empty space assured, just as devolution of energy to radiant heat is known. Case of acceleration—man passes into space,” or my personal favourite, # 128b, “Dr. insists that the particular amphibian from which man descends is not like any known to palaeontology. To prove it, indulges in (or relates) strange experiment.” Others are more traditional, e.g. # 99, “Salem story—the cottage of an aged witch—wherein after her death are found sundry terrible things.”  Some are – let’s just say tactfully that they speak very distinctively to the concerns of their particular place and time – e.g. # 108, “Educated mulatto seeks to displace personality of white man and occupy his body.”

Some are bizarre notions that it’s hard to imagine ever becoming a story of any kind, e.g.  # 201, “Planets form’d of invisible matter.” Others are straightforward, e.g. # 148, “Vampire dog.” Some are promising but curiously underdeveloped, e.g. # 173 “Idol in museum moves in a certain way.”   

Rather a lot of them read less like story ideas than like cries for help, e.g. # 27, “Life and Death.  Death—its desolation and horror—bleak spaces—sea-bottom—dead cities. But Life—the greater horror! Vast unheard-of reptiles and leviathans—hideous beasts of prehistoric jungle—rank slimy vegetation—evil instincts of primal man—Life is more horrible than death.”

What I think would be a fun summer project would be to get a job as a night nurse in a mental institution, and to sneak into the wards and whisper these horrible fragments into the ears of the patients as they sleep, all 221 of them, over and over, just to see what would happen.

I have now been making fun of this video for four days and roughly 2,000 words, and it’s still not enough.

It can never be enough.

Part I, Part II, Part III.

Excerpted from Paradise Lost, Book V, lines 220-455:

(In which God dispatches the archangel Raphael from Heaven to the Garden, to explain to Adam the ways of Creation, and to counter the wiles of Satan, who has been spreading discontent)

    . . .Heaven’s high King to him call’d Raphael.

    Raphael, said He, thou hearest what stir on Earth
Satan, from Hell ’scaped through the darksome gulf,
Hath raised in Paradise; and how disturbed
This night the human pair; how he designs
In them at once to ruin all mankind.
Go therefore, Converse with Adam,
and such discourse bring on,
As may advise him of his happy state.

    So spake the Eternal Father: Nor delayed the winged Saint
After his charge received; but from among
Thousand celestial Ardours, where he stood
Veiled with his gorgeous wings, up springing light,
Flew through the midst of Heaven; the angelick quires,
On each hand parting, to his speed gave way
Through all the empyreal road. To Earth, and the garden of God,
Down thither prone in flight He speeds, and through the vast ethereal sky
Sails between worlds and worlds. At once on the eastern cliff
Of Paradise he lights, and to his proper shape returns
A Seraph winged: Six wings he wore, to shade
His lineaments divine. Like Maia’s son he stood,
And shook his plumes, that heavenly fragrance filled
The circuit wide.

    And Nearer his presence Adam, though not awed,
Yet with submiss approach and reverence meek,
As to a superiour nature bowing low, Thus said:
Are you from Heaven? I have a complaint.

    Whom thus the angelick Virtue answered mild:
Adam, I therefore came; I hear you have some concerns,
About the bananas.

    Adam, not to let the occasion pass
Given him by this great conference, his wary speech
Thus to the empyreal minister he framed:
Not the bananas as such, no.

    To whom the winged Hierarch replied: O Adam,
We are always grateful for feedback. But a lot of work
Went into the bananas. Have you not noticed
The non-slip surface, and the easy-grip grooves and ridges,
And the convenient opening mechanism?

    “Divine Instructor, the bananas are fine by me. Nice job.
But I had some questions about this ‘cancer’ thing,
And old age, and hunger, and earthquakes, and backache,
And indigestion, and frostbite, and mosquitos, and war,
And I was talking to Satan and he mentioned something called ‘AIDS,’
Which raised some red flags for me.”

    Thus Adam made request; and Raphael,
After short pause thus began: Son of Heaven and Earth,
Attend! Your concerns are noted. But cancer was Michael’s project,
You’ll have to ask him. And anyway, let’s try and focus
On the positives. The banana, for instance, has a color-coded
Ripeness-labeling system which is not only reliable and effective
But also aesthetically pleasing. The skin of the banana
Is fully biodegradable. Its potassium content is. . .

(more…)

Part I, Part II.

From The Book of Alpha Release Genesis, Chapter 21:

A-R Gen. 21:5-6 – On the fifth day, a great light broke upon the corner office of the Archangel Michael, and a choir of seraphs sang at his window, and he did look up: and lo, the Lord of Hosts had popped His head round Michael’s door.

A-R Gen. 21:7 – And the Lord said unto Michael, Hey Mike. Do you have a minute?

A-R Gen. 21:8-9 – And even before the Archangel Michael could say, Sure, Lord, the Lord had begun to speak unto him. And the Lord said unto him, Mike, I’ve been thinking about the upcoming re-org, and I’ve decided to take you off the banana project.

A-R Gen. 21:10-11 – And the Archangel Michael said, But Lord, I really feel there’s important work still to be done on the banana, we’re developing a new kind of pop-top system and we all feel that yes, the banana’s high in potassium, but we feel we could go even higher if. . .

A-R Gen. 21:12 – And the Lord said, Raphael’s team can finish up the banana project.

A-R Gen. 21:13 – And the Archangel Michael said, But Lord, Raphael’s a first-rate quadruped guy, don’t get me wrong, but he just doesn’t get fruit.

A-R Gen. 21:14 – And the Lord said, Raphael’s a good finisher.

A-R Gen. 21:15 – And the Archangel Michael said, You know me, Lord, I don’t like to talk behind another guy’s wings, but the guy really screwed up with the giraffe design.

A-R Gen. 21:16 – And the Lord said, This isn’t a demotion, Mike. I’ve got a big new project for you. I call it: Cancer.

A-R Gen. 21:17 – And the Archangel Michael said, Cancer? Good, catchy name. Fruit or vegetable?

A-R Gen. 21:18-25 – And the Lord said, Better! It’s going to be a class of diseases in which the cells of the human body expand uncontrollably, destroying adjacent tissues and organs, leading to indescribable agony and lingering death. I need a detail-oriented guy like you to work on this. I’m hoping for productive synergies with the human blood and lymph system, I’m thinking we can call that metastasis or something. I envision a whole product line of cancers, each precisely targeted to a particular end-user demographic: cervical cancer for the ladies, testicular cancer for the guys. Rectal cancer, if that’s what you’re into. Why not? Food’s gonna cause it, stress is gonna cause it, sex is gonna cause it, invisible airborne dust particles are gonna cause it. You know what? Let’s see if we can make the sun cause it. The sun! I amaze myself sometimes. See if you can do that for me, Mike. I want my best guy on this, Mike. I’m excited about this project.

A-R Gen. 21:26 – And the Archangel Michael was troubled in his spirit, and he said unto the Lord, Have you run this one past Legal, O Lord?

A-R Gen. 21:27 – And the Lord of Hosts waxed wroth, and His countenance frowned upon the corner office of the Archangel Michael.

 Part I here.

From The Book of Alpha Release Genesis, Chapter 17: 

A-R Gen. 17:1-3 – In his right hand the Archangel Salathiel bore a flaming sword, and a wreath of flames was upon his head, and his eyes were aflame, and he stood before the loading doors of the Warehouse of the Lord, and with his left hand he was smoking a cigarette: yea, even in contravention of the big red “No Smoking By Order Of The Lord” signs.

A-R Gen. 17:4 — And the Archangel Salathiel said unto Michael, What the fuck am I supposed to do with all these bananas, Mike?

A-R Gen. 17:5 — And the Archangel Michael said, Look, Sal. . .

A-R Gen. 17:6-7 — And the Archangel Salathiel said, No, you look. You look, man. It’s my warehouse guys who have to find somewhere to store this crap you guys make, and just look at these damn things. These bananas. What a stupid shape. How am I supposed to stack these? Why’d you have to make them so bendy, man?

A-R Gen. 17:8 — And the Archangel Michael said, Sal, you know how it is, you’ve got to think of what the end-users want. You see, the human hand. . .

A-R Gen. 17:9-14  — And the Archangel Salathiel’s eyes flashed fire, and his voice was thunder, and he said: Don’t give me that shit, Mike. Don’t even start with me with that shit. It’s always what the humans want, isn’t it? No one thinks about the storage issues. No one thinks about stacking. Let me tell you, man, I just spent all morning trying to find space to store Raphael’s giraffes, and those are some long-legged long-necked motherfuckers, let me tell you. These bananas are too bendy, Mike, and I bet they go all black and mushy if you just even tap ‘em, isn’t that right? Don’t lie to me, Mike.

A-R Gen. 17:15 — And the Archangel Michael said, Well. . .

A-R Gen. 17:16 — And the Archangel Salathiel lit another cigarette, yea even off of the butt of the first, and said: Fucking humans. I tell you, Mike, sometimes I think Lou had a point. Sometimes I really do.

A-R Gen. 17:17 — And the Archangel Michael said nothing, for he knew that Salathiel was Difficult on Mondays.

I don’t know if anyone is reading the posts here but not the comments, but everyone should see the creationist banana video if they haven’t already, and if they have they should see it again.

“You’ll find the maker of the banana, Almighty God, has made it with a non-slip surface. . .”

From the Book of Alpha Release Genesis, Chapter 16:

A-R Gen 16:22-23 — And the Lord spake unto the afternoon product development meeting, and said, Moving on to our next action item, how are we progressing with the, ah, bananas?

A-R Gen 16:24-29 — And the Archangel Michael checked his notes and spake unto the Lord and unto the Lord he said: My team’s been making great strides with the banana, Lord, we’ve been focus-grouping the colours and testing out some new designs for the grooves, we’ve been working very closely with Gabriel’s human-hand development team to develop some really exciting hand/banana synergies, I think it’s going to be a big hit. We’re thinking of giving it an aluminium ring-pull top, like Uriel’s guys are developing for the Coca-Cola project. . .

A-R Gen 16:30 — And the Lord said, No ring-pulls on the bananas, Michael, what have I told you about anachronisms?

A-R Gen 16:31 — And the Archangel Michael said, but Lord. . .

A-R Gen 16:32-33 — And the Lord said, No ring-pulls. Work around it. Now, we all want to be out of here by 5, I think our next item is giraffes, so if we can. . .

A-R Gen 16:34 — And the Archangel Michael spake unto the Lord and unto the Lord he said: one more thing, O Lord.

A-R Gen 16:35 — And the Lord said, what?

A-R Gen 16:36-38 — And the Archangel Michael said, the cherubim in the QA department feel that the prototype banana is a bit slippery, O Lord, the alpha testers have reported a 27% rate of banana-dropping incidents, which is higher than we’re 100% happy with, but unfortunately we don’t have the R&D budget to develop a really cost-effective non-slip surface, so. . .

A-R Gen 16:39-40 — And the Lord stretched out His hand over the conference room table, and His power moved upon the spreadsheets, and the Lord said unto Michael: Lo! Your budget is expanded.

A-R Gen 16:41 — And it was so.

Ads for Ben Stein’s anti-evolution movie — Expelled – are in heavy late-night rotation on Comedy Central at the moment, in between the ads for Girls Gone Wild: Rohypnol Edition and those “herbal” penis-enlargement supplements, I forget the name, not Enzyte, the other ones, the ones not yet under federal indictment. 

Frankly, they lower the tone.

According to Slate: 

At least one-third of Expelled is given over to the idea that evolutionary theory caused the Holocaust, via government-sponsored social Darwinism. (In pondering this terrible legacy, Ben Stein weeps at Dachau.)

Pure class, Stein, pure class. 

I don’t believe he believes it for a moment, of course; he must hate himself at least a little, don’t you think? I hope so.

I’m pleased to say that I never liked Ben Stein, even when he was in Ferris Bueller, even when he was on that game show where his job was to make Jimmy Kimmel look OK by comparison.  The taint of Nixon was always on him: you could see it in his cold dead eyes, the bitter self-pitying twist of his mouth.

Hunter Thompson delivered Nixon’s most fitting eulogy:

Nixon’s spirit will be with us for the rest of our lives — whether you’re me or Bill Clinton or you or Kurt Cobain or Bishop Tutu or Keith Richards or Amy Fisher or Boris Yeltsin’s daughter or your fiancee’s 16-year-old beer-drunk brother with his braided goatee and his whole life like a thundercloud out in front of him. This is not a generational thing. You don’t even have to know who Richard Nixon was to be a victim of his ugly, Nazi spirit. He has poisoned our water forever.

Ben Stein: poison in the national water.

No one is helping me with my questions about New York.  I have to try to say insightful-sounding things on this Comic-Con panel about New York in about 50 hours’ time, and no one is helping me.

Urgent! I am looking to purchase anecdotes about New York City.  I will pay for anecdotes about precocious streetwise children or tight-knit immigrant communities or cops (either pro-cop or anti-cop anecdotes both gratefully accepted).  I will pay top dollar for anecdotes about elderly and/or homeless and/or crazy people.  Anecdotes must be funny, moving, heartwarming, somehow brilliantly illuminating the quintessential gritty but inspiring character of the city.  Anecdotes must not make me look like an exploitative misery-tourist yuppie douchebag. Prices negotiable. 

April 20, 2008: Barack Obama caught on tape describing Pennsylvania economy as “weak,” is revealed as an elitist, pessimist and nay-sayer, media declares him unelectable.

April 21, 2008: Hillary Clinton downs 13 shots of jager to prove macho working-class credentials, drives pickup truck into tree, takes a swing at a cop.

April 22, 2008: Clinton wins Pennsylvania by 12 points, for a net gain of 5 delegates on Obama, is released on bail.

May 1, 2008: Obama is photographed drinking a latte, media declares him unelectable.

May 8, 2008: Clinton hunts a bald eagle to prove macho working-class credentials, claims Voice of God told her to do it.

May 14, 2008: Obama is photographed reading a book, media declares him unelectable.

May 16, 2008: Clinton endorses John McCain for President to prove macho working-class credentials.

May 25, 2008: Some black guy somewhere says something kind of scary and angry-sounding, Obama is too slow to denounce him, media declares him unelectable.

June 1, 2008: Clinton gets a job in a coal mine to prove macho working-class credentials.

June 20, 2008: Clinton diagnosed with Black Lung Disease.

July 14, 2008: Clinton dies of Black Lung Disease.

August 28, 2008: Obama secures Democratic Party nomination, media declares him unelectable.

November 4, 2008: John McCain wins Presidential election, invades China.

January, 2009: First nuclear exchange.  Conscription begins. Floods swallow the east and west coasts of the United States. Three years of winter begin.

Winter, 2010: The United States having been depopulated, McCain goes reaving across the coasts of Europe and Africa in a ship made of dead men’s nails.

Winter, 2011: The great wolf Fenrir breaks from its chains and swallows the sun.

Winter, 2012: Surtr burns the world.

[some dates approximate]