Heartwarmingest story of the year.

From Labor Relations And You at the Walmart Distribution Center,  by Orson Mason

Wal-Mart is opposed to unionization of its associates. Any suggestion that the Company is neutral on the subject or that it encourages associates to join labor organizations is not true. As a member of Wal-Mart’s management team, you are our first line of defense against unionization. This toolbox will provide you with valuable information on how to remain union-free in the event union organizers choose your facility as their next target.

EARLY WARNING SIGNS:

• Increased curiosity in benefits
• Associates receiving unusual attention from other associates
• Associates talking in hushed tones to each other
• Abuse of rest-room visits
• Associates spending an abnormal amount of time in the parking lot before and after work
• Associates who are never seen together start talking or associating with each other and begin forming strange alliances

TYPES OF ASSOCIATES ATTRACTED TO UNIONS:

Unions have learned to identify certain types of individuals who are more susceptible to union exploitation than others:

1. THE INEFFICIENT ASSOCIATE realizes that he will not be able to measure up to the facility’s standards and will be terminated. He is attracted to the union because they convince him that they will clothes him with the so-called shield of “job security.”

2. THE REBELLIOUS ASSOCIATE is attracted to the union cause simply because he is opposed to all management or bosses. He consequently becomes an antagonist to the employer and a respondent to the union propaganda.

3. THE SOMETHING-FOR-NOTHING ASSOCIATE is the typical injury faker who has collected worker’s compensation from most of his former employers. He is always looking for a deal. he takes every imaginable shortcut in his job and sincerely feels that the world owes him a living.

4. THE CHRONICALLY DISSATISFIED ASSOCIATE might be one of the most productive associates, but he will find fault with everything. He is a hopeless griper, as distinguished from a constructive critic. He is truly an unhappy individual. He was probably born unhappy, is going to die unhappy, and is going to be unhappy for the duration between.

5. THE CAUSE-ORIENTED ASSOCIATE will “jump” on any bandwagon that passes through his area. He was the same individual who joined all the “off-beat” organizations in high school or college. He once took a trip to India to visit his personal “guru.”

6. THE OVERQUALIFIED ASSOCIATE is out of his element. He might well be a Ph.D. operating a grinding machine or a former accountant sweeping the floor, but his station in life has deteriorated to the point that his vanity suffers. He will attempt to exert his influence over his fellow associates in an effort to bolster his deflated ego and will be attracted to the union simply because the union will seem to offer hopes of returning him to his previous station in life.

So what kind of scruffy ne’er-do-well employee are you?  Don’t be shy.

(via SA).

I’m not dead, just really horribly busy for the next couple of weeks.

Nothing to see here.

Hey! I hear there’s pornography on the internet, why don’t you go and look at some of that? I won’t judge you.

In the ruins I discovered this:

(more…)

I did an interview on the radio a couple of weeks ago, and now here it is.

Sarah and I went down to Pacifica’s offices by South Street Seaport at four a.m., and we met some extremely nice people who told us a lot of stuff mostly about radio history, and we discovered the room (booth?) with the microphones and decks and audio equipment in looks exactly like you would imagine the booth (room?) of a scrappy underfunded counter-cultural radio station looks like.  Afterwards we walked by the river and looked at the tall ships as the sun came up, and we bought some Dunkin Donuts donuts, which were mediocre at best.

That is my story about going on the radio.

Go and see The Fall!

There’s still time!

I don’t think it’s doing very well commercially and it got mostly poor reviews but it’s wonderful, absolutely wonderful. It edges out Pan’s Labyrinth for best visually-rich-pomo-dark-fantasy-about-a-cute/tragic-little-girl’s-overactive-imagination-blah-blah-magic of storytelling-blah-blah

Whatever. They don’t pay me to write reviews. This is an exhortation. Just go and see it! Don’t make me menace another kitten.

But among the worst of all the worst things is of course being told, politely but forcefully, by authoritative persons, that one’s author photograph is terrible and that one needs a new photograph for the cover of one’s next book; and having to take photographs is even worse; and having to sort slowly among those photographs in hope (constantly dashed) of finding a single good one — that is the very worst thing imaginable, the absolute zero or speed of light of worstness, the theoretical maximum by which all other (lesser) instances of worstness can be measured.

It seems as though there should be a middle ground between “stiff and panicked” on the one hand and “slack-jawed halfwit” on the other but I’m damned if I can find it.

Among male genre novelists the most popular solution to the problem is to grow a beard so hideous that it distracts attention from one’s gormless expression; but I just don’t have time.

A bizarre interview with Allen Ginsberg, conducted by a man who really really does not like Allen Ginsberg.   

What will Clinton do now?  Clearly surrender is not an option. 

I suppose the next step is secession.  Or she could lead her supporters into exile, into the wilderness, to set up a new Democratic Party in the uncharted depths of the Amazon.  That might work.

What do you think life will be like in future Clintontopia? 

“During a videoconference with his national security team and generals, [retired Lt. Gen. Ricardo] Sanchez writes, Bush launched into what he described as a “confused” pep talk:“ 

“Kick ass! If somebody tries to stop the march to democracy, we will seek them out and kill them! We must be tougher than hell! This Vietnam stuff, this is not even close. It is a mind-set. We can’t send that message. It’s an excuse to prepare us for withdrawal. There is a series of moments and this is one of them. Our will is being tested, but we are resolute. We have a better way. Stay strong! Stay the course! Kill them! Be confident! Prevail! We are going to wipe them out! We are not blinking! Victory! Stay strong, keep your eyes on the prize! This is America! Never retreat! Never surrender! Kill them, kill them all!  Our will is pure! A mind-set, see, like in your head and shit, that’s how they get you, see? What are we, a bunch of fags? Slit their throats, fuck ‘em in the ass! Bitches. Fuck! Kick ass! Hook ‘em, horns! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Fuck. What are you lookin’ at, Sanchez, you fuck? I’m the President. Wipe ‘em out. Nits make lice. Let God sort ‘em out. We’ll nuke ‘em if I say we’re nuking ‘em. Fighter planes, let’s use fighter planes, fighter planes are fucking awesome, they go like neeeeyooooowwww dakka dakka dakka BOOM! Tanks. Resolution. Strength. Fuck you, dad. Kick ass! Kill them! Blood! Blood for the Blood God!”

OK, so I made parts of this up, but I think I kept the spirit of the original intact.

I just wanted to see what it felt like to be President of the United States for a few minutes.

Feels pretty good, actually.  I can see why Hillary Clinton wants it so badly.