In Which I Swallow My Pride
So I have no real way of knowing how many people might be reading this, because my site statistics thing doesn’t appear to rigorously distinguish between robots and people. But the number is apparently: more than none.
It is probable that some of those of you who are not robots have read my book. (The robots may have crawled across various excerpts online; but I maintain that they do not comprehend, and so cannot be said truly to be reading).
Probably most of you who have read the book quite liked it. I don’t mean to sound egotistical here; it’s just that if you didn’t like it, and you only came here to tell me how much I fucking suck, you probably would have done it by now. Don’t you think? It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing where you’d need to bide your time, wait for the perfect moment. The perfect moment to tell someone they fucking suck is always: right now, while I’m still angry. That’s what I think.
Some of you have said nice things about the book somewhere on the Internet; and thank you. Some of you have not. Would you? Please? An Amazon review, or a mention on your blog or forum you frequent or Goodreads or Librarything or Shelfari or etc? That sort of thing really makes a big difference.
If by the end of next week fewer than four people have posted something, or if the things that are posted are insufficiently nice, I will shoot this kitten:
On the other hand, if more than ten people post something very nice I will shoot this kitten:
Don’t worry! This kitten is the first kitten’s evil twin. He’s horrible. Actually, he’s the reincarnation of Hitler. We’ll all be a lot better off without him.
April 30th, 2008 at 8:43 am
“it’s just that if you didn’t like it, and you only came here to tell me how much I fucking suck, you probably would have done it by now. Don’t you think?”
Well, not really. You see I’m terribly disorganized and have a very short attention span. And I keep meaning to say it, but I get distracted by the posts and the comments. So anyway here goes … wait… did you say that kitten was evil?
April 30th, 2008 at 8:52 am
ONE of the kittens is evil
It’s a reasonable percentage
April 30th, 2008 at 10:36 am
It’s Schroedinger’s Evil Kitten. Just stick one kitten in a box, and it will be both good AND evil until you open it again. Or something.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:54 am
It’s not that I didn’t like the book — in fact, I loved it. It’s just that, like you, I’m a lawyer. But unlike you, I haven’t written a book, even though I’ve had a lot longer (I’ve been at this for 27 years, and you’re still wet behind the ears). Which means I’m very jealous. And I have my own cat, thanks very much, and you can’t shoot her, because she’s on a whole other coast from you and well protected by an English professor as well as me, the lawyer, a team that’s pretty hard to beat. Not to mention that she’s got sharp teeth and claws.
Nonetheless, you ARE a fellow member of the bar, and you DID write a lovely book that gave me hours of enjoyment, so what the hell. Here you go: http://www.readingtheleaves.com/thundererbyfelixgilman.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Hooray!
Score one for the international conspiracy of lawyers - I am giving you the secret handshake over the internet right now
April 30th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Can you at least give me until the end of next month? I’ve said nice things in passing (including placing you in a troika of debut authors that are my favs so far this year, said post being posted about a month or so ago, I believe). But on the other hand, would you stick a banana between that kitten’s (pick one, I don’t care) front paws and snap a photo for my amusement? Because that would be totally cool, in a strange way.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
I saw that post, Larry
thank you
sadly, I cannot put a banana in the paws of either kitten, because I stole the photograph from The Onion and I am not clever with photoshop
May 1st, 2008 at 12:00 am
You’re welcome
And since you’re popular™, why not ask for a reader to do that for you (my photoshopping skills are poor as well)?
May 1st, 2008 at 3:57 am
Hurrah! The evil kitten will soon get what’s coming to it.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:42 am
thanks, Markus!
see that, Kitten Hitler? Your days are numbered
May 1st, 2008 at 9:45 am
It’s a cunningly disguised kitten hitler. I’d have expected him to come back as one of these:
http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/cgi-bin/seigmiaow.pl
May 1st, 2008 at 10:54 am
Can we all take a moment to appreciate the wondrousness of the internets? CATS THAT LOOK LIKE HITLER DOT COM. I mean… who has that kind of time?
By the way, do my earlier reviews on Amazon and LibraryThing count towards the goal here, or was I just too darn proactive?
May 1st, 2008 at 10:58 am
maybe they count, maybe they don’t
i prefer to leave the kittens in a state of suspense as to when exactly the hammer might fall, this makes them easier to manage
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Well, it just so happened I finished your book within the last hour, quite liked it, and just stopped by here before moving on to spend too much time writing a glowing but inelegant and terribly constructed review on Goodreads. And while not an attorney, I do work in the library of a law school where I deal with law students and attorneys. And I may be enrolling in a law school in the near future. I guess what I’m saying is that I your conspiracy has bred copycat organizations.
But of course you already know that. I should really shut up before something happens to my family.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Thank you!
They teach you the secret handshake in your 3L year, after the Ritual of the Widow’s Son, but just before they steal your soul.
May 6th, 2008 at 9:04 am
If you think Cats that look like Hitler is bad, it has nothing on http://www.beedogs.com/index.htm
The internet’s premier repository for pictures of dogs in bee costumes apparently, so you know where to go when you need a picture of a dog in a bee costume, nowhere else even comes close.
BTW - is there something up with the site? Had a few problems getting into some of the blog pages.
May 6th, 2008 at 11:08 am
The hosting company has been servicing its servers on and off for a few days.
May 6th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Ah cool, I’d worried that my firewall disliked some pictures you were posting or something.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Can we get some kind of kitten status update, here? Some of us are worried about what the evil kitten will do if his aggression remains unchecked.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Also, I deeply regret clicking on the link for “Bee Dogs”. Damn you, Benedict!
May 15th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I believe the good kitten is safe, but unfortunately so is the evil kitten
May 15th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Ah, well. You win some, you lose some.