Finance
What’s happening in the markets?
“We’re exposing parts of the capital markets that most of us had never heard of,” Ethan Harris, a top Lehman Brothers economist, said last week. Robert Rubin, the former Treasury secretary and current Citigroup executive, has said that he hadn’t heard of “liquidity puts,” an obscure kind of financial contract, until they started causing big problems for Citigroup.
I can explain. A “Liquidity Put” is simply an alternate-universe financial instrument. “Liquidity Put” is a corruption of its true name, Lloigor, or the Black Collateralized Debt Obligation Of A Thousand Young.
Ordinarily the Liquidity Put is unable to exist in our universe, being composed of antimatter, sin, non-euclidean angles, mathematical paradox, and G.A.A.P. improprieties. Every 100,000 years, however, there is a Conjunction of the Markets, and some of the unnameable aspects and penumbras of the Liquidity Put penetrate our reality. (Simultaneously, millions of dollars in innocent stocks and bonds from our world fall helplessly into the nether Exchanges in which the Liquidity Put swims, where they are devoured instantly by the nightmare financial instruments of the lower realms).
Typically, the Liquidity Put will bury itself deep within the books of unsuspecting investment banks, then set about the business of corrupting the souls of bankers with its foul whisperings. Entire trading desks have been known to fall to its unholy worship. The burning of frankincense and the uttering of the secret names of God may drive off the Liquidity Put while it is new to our world and weak; but once it has taken root, no force on earth may dislodge it. It cannot be killed. It cannot be hedged against. It cannot be tracked to its lair. It can exist in a thousand books simultaneously, without double-counting. Even to attempt to account for its financial risk profile is to go mad. May God have mercy on Citigroup.
Fig 1: A Liquidity Put Breaching Our Universe (Artist’s Impression)
March 19th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
is there a market for cross-genre financial/horror writing?
now seems like a very good time to find out
March 19th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
hahaha
five minutes after putting this post up, i got an email from a forbes.com robot saying “You are invited to join the new community of the high quality business and financial bloggers from Forbes.com.”
it appears as far as i can tell to be legitimately from Forbes.com
“Your blog will be promoted to our roster of blue-chip advertisers and we will only run campaigns that are appropriate for your audience. . . . You will receive 40% of all net revenues collected by Forbes.com (after agency commitments, ad serving fees and external network support) . . . I think your blog would be a great fit for our network, and I would love to hear from you if you are interested in learning more about it.”
fuck you, Forbes
March 20th, 2008 at 7:07 am
I think you should mix up the financial / horror writing and the forbes advertising and see if you can embed their advertising in some some horror fiction about Forbes being an evil conduit for the many angled ones and see how much money you make off them before they actually notice what you’re saying about them.
March 20th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
at an estimated rate of 0.00001 cents/day I think I might be able to make about 0.001 cents off them, which seems like a poor rate of return, even for short fiction writing
March 21st, 2008 at 10:34 am
Ah, but invested WISELY, that 0.001 cents could become a fortune! Have you seen the latest infomercials about buying real estate at foreclosure sales…?
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